So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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