We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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