I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b