I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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