No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
