A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
