What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
