god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
