You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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