Your face is a jimmy john
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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