i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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