these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
