I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
