I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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