Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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