i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
