It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
