I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
