I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
