We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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