I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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