I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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