There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
