Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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