all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
