You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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