so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
