I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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