This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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