Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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