Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
