I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Randomize
