Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
