my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
