uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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