My underwear smells like fireworks.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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