He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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