Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
