ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We have started to decorate penises.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
