I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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