her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
