Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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