put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
