Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
