my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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