I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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