So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
