i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
