Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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