I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
