he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
