you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
