If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
