Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
