I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
