if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
