And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
