Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
