I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
