somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
